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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Shillelagh of Doom

   In my last post, I invited you to fantasize with me. I introduced 'Karma Girl' and her Shillelagh of Doom; a new superhero of the sidewalk. I don't know if you actually did any fantasizing about the exciting possibilities for Karma Girl, but I know I sure did. In fact, since I've written that post I've had a new experience that introduced me to yet another possible application for Karma Girl. Considering my (possibly unhealthy) obsession with this issue, I'm surprised that I didn't think of it sooner: Revenge on the irresponsible dog-walker. I don't mean Karma Girl should actually go around thunking people on the head (not as a rule, anyway, but let's leave the possibility open just in case), but in my fantasy world she could at least make a lasting impression.  Or maybe, if I'm feeling especially charitable, she could at least offer them an education they can't refuse. Maybe the Shillelagh of Doom has special powers to combat the evils of willful ignorance, or something.

  Like most ideas, this one came to me while I was out walking. It was sort of a strange situation because I didn't have my dog with me. That is almost unheard of, but I wasn't in a place amenable to his well-being. Let me clarify: I was walking on my old favorite walking route. I haven't been there in awhile, because there are far too many people ignoring the leash laws or walking their dogs on Flexis. It is the path where Murphy was attacked, as a matter of fact. But it's really the only convenient place to walk, and I really need to walk. My logic flows like this: I need exercise, I want a treadmill. I can't afford a treadmill. What can I do then? (it's always the follow-up question to an "I can't" response). I can walk outside on the path. But Murphy can't handle the path yet. So I walk by myself. Or something like that. SO I walk the path trying to be all Zen and peaceful, and trying not to be too aware of not having my dog with me. I need my dog, and I need to walk. It's too bad that I can't do both simultaneously, isn't it? Instead, I go for a walk and then take my dog to the park for his exercise. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is. Enter: Karma Girl. See how this works?

  So I was out being Zen by myself when I was accosted by a large group of children accompanied by two adults. I'm thinking 'daycare'. I clearly and obviously tried to avoid the onslaught, but the adults seemed entertained by my annoyance and obvious lack of desire to interact. Consequently, every time I moved away they would all follow. I finally just started running for all I was worth (it must have looked really funny. I'm Weeble-shaped, but I can move;-) until I couldn't hear them anymore. I heard them picking up the pace behind me as well, but fortunately I'm (marginally) faster than a group of preschoolers so I eventually got away. If I had had Murphy with me he would have handled it kindly enough, but it would have really irritated and upset him. And that was only the beginning.

  I pulled off the main path into a more wooded area. There is still a path here and it's frequented by joggers. It also moves along the edge of a golf course so it's not really remote, but not next to the road, either. It seemed nice and quiet, anyway. Then I encountered a woman with two large, off-leash dogs wearing harnesses. When she saw me coming she at least had the good sense to leash the beasts, but alas...the leashes were Flexis. A Flexi lead on a harness for a large, active dog in a public place is just ridiculous. She had TWO. As I passed by her, BOTH of her dogs darted out to the end of the leash and jumped on me (!?). When I expressed annoyance, the woman said in her best passive-aggressive voice "it's okay babies, not everyone wants to pet a friendly dog". I was seriously non-verbal at that moment. Seriously. In my head it looked just like this: (!?) Not very imaginative perhaps, but you get the point. I took a moment to fantasize: Karma Girl arrives out of nowhere and jumps between the dogs and the pedestrian, saving the latter from a pantleg full of muddy pawprints. She then wields the Shillelagh threateningly while snapping a new, six-foot lead on the collar of each dog. She then removes the Flexis and grinds them into dust with her weapon while lecturing the dog-owner about responsible dog-ownership. At that point in my mind, a random auditorium of people stands and cheers as a newly-converted, responsible dog owner comes into being, and Karma Girl has saved the day yet again.

I think too many thoughts.

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