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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Decisions, decisions

   I don't know how obvious I've been about this, but this winter has kicked my a**. I like to be all glib and stealthy about the internal workings of my psychiatric shenanigans, but I think that sometimes the truth seeps out in some weird, osmosis-like process. I say "I'm fine, I'm great; all is going swimmingly" (I'm staring to feel a bit like Big Gay Al in The South Park Movie) even though I'm right on the edge internally. I do my best to do what I need to do in a day, to fulfill my obligations and live a 'normal' life with the help of Murphy the Magnificent and some benzos when necessary, and I think I do okay for the most part. But my social life? Hehe, we don't need no stinkin' social life. I can't really afford one anyway, either energetically or financially. I know there are at least a few of my readers who can relate. So why don't I 'share' more (other than publicly in this blog, lol)? It's not like there's really anything anyone can do about it. Many people (including myself) want to help a person in distress. Dragging other people into a situation they can do nothing about seems kinda mean. Also, I suspect once spring comes things will get much better.

   Better, yes. But I know that moving into a human cluster-**** has not been easy on my psyche. I made the choice, and it was the right one, but not easy. I was out in the boonies with space and acreage and horses. The financial pressure was off the charts and the place was not exactly lovely (or really even 'nice'), but I had the right idea. It just wasn't the right time and it definitely wasn't the right place. So here I am in the center of town feeling pretty close to my saturation point much of the time. But I'm dealing with it successfully and learning to adapt; horses and space are in my future for sure, but next time I will be in a position to do it right. All the reasons I moved to town still apply (expenses, convenience, etc) and are especially relevant with Goldie the Car needing so much love these days. The vertigo that comes with panic has become a bit alarming at times, but I can whine about it or make a plan. I plan to buy a harness for Murphy so I can stay on my feet. Problem solved, I feel really good about the decision and I get to remain an unstoppable force (well, except for the part about paying for the harness; I haven't quite worked that one out yet;-).

I said I wasn't going to focus on disability-related stuff, and I still feel that way. But sometimes I need to process, ya know? I don't know about you, but I prefer to reach deeply into the dark corners, shine a light on all the dusty crap hidden there, then dispose of what's useless. Then I can see what's left to clean up and utilize. It's helpful on many levels. I said every "I can't" statement would be followed by the question "what can I do?" and I still feel like that's a great policy, even if I annoy myself sometimes. There are times I would  like to just throw myself to the floor like a toddler and cry until it stops and I get what I want, but we all know that's not the way to go. Onward and upward!

   So here's the part about choices: I have this 'thing' that I have to deal with (Actually, when I think of it it looks more like "THING" ), no choice there, but what I do with it is up to me. I choose to channel the spirit of Big Gay Al (even though I'm not a man, or gay, or a cartoon). Or at least I try. YES, this winter has kicked my ass, but I have learned how to make things work sometimes in what appear to be impossible situations. I have adapted, and though my life is not yet "full", it is certainly engaging. I have some of the best friends in the world, my family rocks and financially I am doing a little better than basic survival-mode. I have hopes and dreams, and the tenacity to see them through. So much of life is great and validating and just plain ol' AWESOME that I can choose to be overwhelmed by that energy instead. But in order to get Trojan Vibrations hair from positive experiences, I need be able to identify them and focus on them. Sometimes it's work, but it's worth it.

   Finding plenty to laugh at is also an important key to my survival. When I laugh I can feel that knot of tension and anxiety at my core starting to loosen and eventually dissipate. Even in moments when laughing is the last thing I feel like doing, if I actively seek out humorous experiences, sometimes they are an excellent substitute when I find myself unable to generate my own.

   So what's it going to be? Toddler, or laughter? Well, since I only have to choose for now, today I choose to laugh:-)


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