The Dark Side of the Lighter Side

It's raining outside. I like a day like this once in awhile. Rainy days give me the excuse I need to hunker indoors and get indoor things done. I'm probably one of the few people who looks outside in the morning, and upon seeing rain says "Oh cool!" Rain means a lazy day for me. I realize that whether or not I have a lazy day is entirely up to me, so perhaps I should be more clear: rain means a justified lazy day.

If it's nice and sunny outdoors, I feel compelled to be out in it. I was raised to be an "outdoor kitty", to spend as much time as possible taking full advantage of every bit of sun. We would swim, ride our horses, work in the garden, dig for worms, read in the grass or just sun ourselves until the sun started to go down. Almost every summertime memory that I have is of being outdoors. To this day, I have a really difficult time relaxing indoors when it's sunny. I don't have many of my former outdoor activities to keep me busy any more, but I spend time with my dog and walk until my feet are killing me (plantar fasciitis sucks). To stay indoors comfortably, I need an excuse. Rain is that excuse. It's raining outside.

I have been listening to the rain, enjoying a cup of coffee and perusing other blogs. I love to read blogs. I love to read the thoughts of other people, to understand different perspectives and to learn something new. Reading a blog is almost like reading someone's personal journal sometimes. Unlike an article written in journalist fashion, blogs tend to have a much more 'human' feel that I appreciate. It's like someone is taking the time to share a piece of themselves.

People set their blogs up to reflect what they are about, and each blog has it's own unique 'feel'; from a reader's perspective its the online version of visiting peoples' homes. I totally dig the individuality, the colors, the images and the graphics that people choose to represent them. More insight into that person's uniqueness.

I have noticed, in spite of its title, that my blog is perhaps one of the darkest blogs out there. Maybe the darkness on my blog is the lighter side of me, hehe. Or maybe I like to occasionally provide light via the content. Occasionally. Maybe those brief snippets are the exception that proves the rule; the things that keep us hanging on just a little longer, just in case...

I don't think I intended to make it dark. It was a subconscious thing. When I chose my background, I thought "yes, here's a haunted room...this is what I know..." It made me feel simultaneously comforted and just a little edgy; therefore normal. Maybe I thought you might feel and appreciate it too, that it would invite you to come in, to sit down and stay awhile. My font is a little crazy. Self explanatory.  But it makes me think: should I brighten things up, and make my blog a lighter, Lighter Side of Darkness? Or do I keep it as is, letting the light, when it occurs, be that much brighter for the contrast? Hmmm.....Things to think about on a rainy day...

The meaning of life...sort of

I don't react well to bad news. Okay, that's an understatement. I am the Queen of Totally Freaking Out. It should be bestowed upon me as an official tile. Yes, I really am that good. It sucks, to be honest. The ease with which I panic makes me want to panic. And it really is as dysfunctional as it sounds. Okay, so then what happens? Well, after going completely around the bend, I get logical. That's the part I like.

I got notice today that my rent is going up. I kind of expected that it would, and was already anticipating having to pull another 50 bucks or so out of thin air. I've had numerous and seemingly arbitrary expense hikes over the years; some of them have been life altering, but mostly they just serve to keep the ground ever shifting beneath my feet. Wouldn't want to feel too safe and secure now, would we? Well, maybe not, but I'll come back to that. I think having people shooting each other in my parking lot (one resulting in murder) is enough to tweak anybody's equilibrium all by itself, but it wouldn't be full-on freak-worthy without a rent hike. And this year's rent hike is of the life-altering variety: a whopping $140/month increase (which completely fails to be offset by my $25/month raise). Yes, I know. I'm getting totally hosed. I assure you, I freaked out fully and completely in a manner that would make any bat-sh** crazy, straight-jacketed nut-job (and it's perfectly okay to say that if I am one) person proud. I gave Crazy-town a thorough visit, saw all the sights and the museum, and I even had some coffee at the Crazy-town Cafe. So now what? As tempting as it is to settle in at Crazy town, it totally falls into the "great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there" category.

Okay, logic time. Cool, Aquarian logic. It's time to go back to survival mode...I've done it before. I don't want to do it again, but as I think I may have mentioned a time or two, my life in it's current incarnation has very little to do with what I want. So why not take it to the extreme? I guess I'm railing against the idea a bit because I thought (okay hoped, but close enough) that by now, I would be in a place where things were getting better, but instead I'm having to let even more go. The stressful part is that there really isn't much left. I thought about giving up food, but apparently that's contraindicated for anyone who wishes to remain alive, and I definitely do. I can't give up the internet because I need it. I can't help but believe that the only way out of this situation is to keep my nose to the grindstone with my writing, and to be persistent. I don't know why I believe that, but it's something that lives on a gut level so I'm going with it. It's the only certainty I have. I also need to learn how to not let the second book become a distraction from finishing up the work on the first. And if that's not bad enough, the ideas for number 3 are already starting to float around like dark little shadows in shallow water; not distinct in shape but definitely present.  Maybe I can escape into my own stories once the stories aren't about me. At least that seems appealing. The first book is my story, I escaped the house in real life so there's no desire to escape into it in fantasy. The second book is purely fiction. The second is whatever I want it to be, and I can't begin to tell you how much that notion appeals to me.

 In the world of my stories, it's all about what I want, unlike my life right now. In the world of my stories, I really have a say, I control what happens. And it's AWESOME. I don't think that's a horrid place to be, and it's one of those things that can't be taken away randomly for some arbitrary reason. It's mine, free and clear. And it will assist me in making my real life mine too, I have no doubt. I can take heart in knowing that no matter what happens, "someday" gets a little closer with every passing moment.

Maybe that's not terribly logical, but this is: I have a roof, I have a bed. I have enough to survive. And yes, Mom, I can move my arms and legs. I have hope, and I have dreams too, and I'm lucky enough to posses tools that just may bring those dreams to fruition. Hey, it's much better odds than playing the lottery;-)

Tired

It's been an odd day. I was up very early this morning after a not-so-great night of sleep, and kind of at the last minute decided to take the day off. It was a good decision. When I'm this tired, I feel especially vulnerable. I've been tired lately, but especially this morning after my lame night of sleep. Sometimes it's best to be avoidy and hole up a bit in the interest of preserving my own sanity. The unfortunate trade off is that I'm more likely to spend time on social media when I have the time. Facebook is an ugly place to be these days and I let it hook me. If I had had my wits about me, I would just rise above. I would think deep, meaningful thoughts like "don't be drawn in by the propaganda juggernaut; instead be the change you want to see". I would read offensive material, pause briefly, and then hit "delete" and move on. Today it got to me again. I need to get better at this.

I'm still tired but I already feel myself floating beyond the petty little FB junk-comments. I see the big picture, not just the symptoms or the end results, and it's not always an easy place to be. I wish I could just nit pick the readily apparent (and largely irrelevant) details, but the big picture is more obvious and pressing. Am I alone here? I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't control the big picture. I can't change peoples' minds or make people know what I know or see what I see. People do what they want, and it's just as well. We all have that right, as it should be. And that doesn't matter either. So what can I do?

I can focus on my corner. I alone decide whether or not I get hooked. I can take action in my corner, the kind of action that is informed by my own wisdom and initiated by my own heart. I can keep it real and have faith in myself. That wasn't always easy, but it is now. My experiences haven't made me less, but more. My perspective is deep and wide. I am an intelligent and curious person who loves books, has high-speed internet and a desire to see the word from all angles. And I'm tenacious and voracious. I long ago gave up the insistence on a singular, narrow viewpoint. Intellectual and psychological evolution are equally important. I revel in forming my opinions, and changing them as new information comes to light. I love the exploration of new points of view; to try them on, to adopt them as my own. Or not. But I can't make decisions based on uninformed, peripheral logic; on nothing more than rumor or speculation. I never could. But it's the easy thing to do, isn't it? It's easy to believe something because you want to believe it, and because it makes you feel good somehow to do so. Even easier when it allows you to swim with the current (and the current ideology). It's much more difficult to choose an original path. Maybe that's why so few do it.

I think too much. Maybe that's part of the problem. I'm always trying to make sense of what I see and hear, to make it relateable somehow.  Sometimes there is no sense to be made. Sometimes, circumstances defy my need to create some type of order out of their chaotic or uninspired principles. I need to live with that. I need to live with knowing that things don't always make sense. Especially now, when I'm so tired and I've had so little sleep...

National Helmet Day

A nice GPA riding helmet

 Hey! It's national helmet day! Even though I am in between horses at the moment, I can still be on board with riding with a helmet. Wearing a helmet is such an easy thing to do and makes such a big difference in terms of safety, I can't imagine why anybody wouldn't. It wasn't always that way.

When I was a kid, it was the norm to ride bareback. Jeans, sneakers and t-shirts were the 'correct' attire (unless it was hot, and then bare feet and shorts were the order of the day), and nobody wore helmets. Yes, we were injured a lot, but fortunately we managed to avoid serious injury. We were lucky. My sister and I owned a helmet (one between the two of us, if that's any indication of relevance) but it was strictly for looks. It was pretty and velvet, but offered no real protection in the event of a fall. When we competed, we were in soft derby hats, had flat, cutback saddles and solid fillis stirrups. My how things have changed! Fortunately, people know better now.

Now, it is a requirement that all riders under the age of 18 wear ASTM approved/SEI certified helmets when competing in all disciplines. The United States Pony Club takes it even further; they recommend safety stirrups as well. As a parent, I can't tell you what a relief it was to know that those rules and guidelines were in place when my daughter was involved. To send her out on a horse with a bare head would terrify me, as would the thought of her hanging up on a stirrup. Equestrian sports are dangerous enough, it helps SO MUCH to stack the survival odds in your favor by using the correct safety equipment.

There are some folks that still can't be bothered though, and IMHO they set a bad example while risking their own well being. There are some breed shows that are more concerned with a 'low profile' appearance than safety. Many folks in the dressage world are "too cool" to school in a helmet. I have seen more than a few natural horsemanship enthusiasts riding helmetless as well, though I think many of them fall into the 'western' camp. I have rarely seen a western rider wearing a helmet, though I'm not really sure why? Perhaps it's the preference for cowboy hats? The western folks that I asked seemed to feel that helmets were more of an English riding accessory, and that English riding was more inherently dangerous, anyway. Maybe that's true, but there are lots of great helmets on the market in many styles including those with a very western appearance.

There are so many helmets on the market today, that there is something for everyone. There are lightweight, ventilated helmets for endurance and trail, cute colorful helmets for children, very traditional helmets for a conservative and traditional hunter look, and really cool, sporty ones for the eventers and show jumpers (like the neat GPA pictured above). It can be hard to choose just one (I think between my daughter and I we have 5?). They range in price from about $30, all the way up to $500 or more. The only thing they have in common is that they are all designed specifically for equestrian use. And THAT is important. I have seen people put bicycle helmets on their children for horseback riding, and that's a very dangerous thing to do. Bicycle helmets protect different areas of the head, and are not at all suited to equestrian use.

Technically, as an old lady and fairly experienced (though rusty at this point) rider, I am not required to wear a helmet. But I do. Every time, every ride, even on an elderly Percheron.  I am very aware of the risks involved with riding an unpredictable, 1000 pound prey animal. I know how quickly things can go bad and how bad they can go. It's so easy to get hurt, and with the advent of good safety helmets, the head injuries of my day can be just a thing of the past. I think I'm much 'cooler' with my brains intact, even if it means sporting a helmet that doesn't necessarily highlight my features. I'm very pleased with how normal it has become to ride with a helmet, and very pleased that kids growing up these days are in the habit of it. Even though I grew up without them, as an adult I will always ride with a helmet.

The Plight of the Horse

"Big Lick" TWH

   I've been watching what's going on in the Tennessee Walking Horse industry, with horror, for almost as long as I've been alive. I've always liked the horses (TWH's are some of the kindest, sweetest horses around), but couldn't imagine what on Earth their 'trainers' were thinking.

   When I was a kid I rode saddleseat, the discipline of the 'park horse' (and the Tennessee Walker, but they have their own spin on it).  I had a Morgan who was shod naturally, didn't have his tail set, moved naturally and I couldn't have been happier. Even so, my discipline required a double bridle with a thin bradoon and a long-shanked (about 8") curb. For folks who aren't familiar with horses, it's a pretty darned severe combination of bits. Even as a kid I realized this and opted to use a very mild snaffle bridle about 90% of the time. I saved my double bridle for the occasional show or clinic that I would attend, and was very light-handed on those occasions. It wasn't warnings from instructors that helped me decide to ride in a snaffle, it was common sense. It was observing my horse, and it was a decision informed by empathy for an animal that I loved. I refused to engage in some of the scarier 'training' practices that were embraced by so many in the saddleseat discipline; things like weighted shoes, chains on the pasterns or scaring the horse around the arena with a milk jug full of rocks to give him more 'fire'. And Morgans have it easy compared to Saddlebreds and Tennessee Walking Horses. My horse was a seasoned competitor. While I have no doubt that some of these unsavory things were visited on him at some point in his career, I preferred to keep him enthusiastic by getting him out of the ring and trail riding. Bareback. Sometimes we won, sometimes we didn't but my priorities were in the right place and I felt good about what I was doing: The welfare of the horse came first.

So if kindness is common sense to a relatively uneducated kid, what's the deal with all the folks who should know better? There are SO many things in the horse industry that drive me bananas (breeding crappy grade horses, breeding horses for color at the expense of health and conformation, breeding HYPP Y/Y and Y/N quarter horses, people having more horses than they can feed or train properly, curb bits used with tie-downs, rollkur, etc) but there are few things that get to me quite like the treatment of Tennessee Walking horses. These horses not only have weighted shoes, but padded as well. Imagine weighing 1100 pounds and having to wear high heels all day, every day, that you cant take off. In addition to these pads, caustic chemicals are used on the pasterns (just above the hoof) to cause pain and then heavy chains are placed on the pasterns to add weight and create further irritation. This is done to enhance the TWH's natural lateral gait, the running walk, and ultimately create a false gait called a 'big lick'. In addition to the shoes, outrageous bits are often used on these horses. To give you some perspective, a common shank length for a curb-type bit is about 5". Anything above that is considered fairly severe by many. The longer the shank, the greater the leverage on the horse's lower jaw and the more severe it is. It is common for TWH bits to be as long as 12", and often have a thin, twisted wire or a chain for a mouth-piece. When I was little I read about these 'little' tortures and had nightmares. I had hoped as we evolved, these abuses would come under fire and positive change would occur. Instead, now there are new chemical irritants to use and bits have become even more severe. To add insult to injury, bad riding is rampant in the TWH performance ring. Maybe that sounds minor, but having somebody sitting on your kidneys and using long spurs on your flanks while jerking on the reins can't be any kind of picnic.

I read a blog entry yesterday on Fugly Horse of the Day, and I can't believe, in this day in age, that we are STILL dealing with this type of willful and accepted abuse. I shouldn't be surprised, really. I've been in and around the horse industry long enough to know that money and ego are the ruling forces so much of the time. I'm not going to reinvent the wheel be regurgitating everything that Fugly wrote, but I DO encourage you to read the entry and pass it around, even if you are not a horse person. A word of warning, there is a pretty graphic video posted within the blog. Even after everything I've seen, it still made me sick.

After I read the article, I poked around on the internet to see for myself the reaction of folks to this blatant abuse, and was rather horrified by what I found. I watched videos of the "Celebration"; there are lots of them if you look, unfortunately. Here is one that briefly shows the 2009 Champion: 2009 Walking Horse Celebration. (I think it's interesting that the rider is the brother of the guy arrested for abuse mentioned in the "Fugly" blog, and the rider in the photo above IS the abuser). To me, the "big lick" is unattractive. Maybe it's because I know that it's produced by pain. I'm much more impressed by the TWH's smooth and rhythmic (and natural) running walk. One of the videos I watched really got to me. It was so horrifying it was actually macabre: The crowd waited while the horses filed in. One by one, the wild-eyed, sweating horses broke into the 'big lick', and the crowd went wild. I tried to imagine it from the horses' point of view: You move the best you can with your feet hurting and your very bodily structures compromised, every joint aching from being forced into unnatural angles. A predatory gargoyle sits on your kidneys and hunches over your shoulders, simultaneously spurring you in the flanks and hanging on the reins, creating more pain. Your aching body is urged forward faster, the pain in your feet causing you to hold them higher and for just a bit longer. The crowd cheers the spectacle that your pain has created...

How is this still legal?

Product Review: Bold Lead Designs Pt. 2

Murphy sports his new harness

   First, let me apologize for the length of time between parts 1&2. My poor daughter has mono, and has been sick for a couple of weeks already. Perhaps that shouldn't distract me quite as much as it has considering she is almost 20, but there's something a little 'overly' about the single parent/only child relationship that I can't quite explain. Anyhoo, now that we know what's wrong I can get on with it:-)

   As much as I believe in words and the power of hyperbole, I can't say enough good about this harness. My first impression when I opened the box was "WOW!". As many of you know, I was a horse person long before I was a dog person. I was a dressage enthusiast (with an eventer daughter) so I have seen and handled my share of high-end horse equipment. When I lifted my new harness from the box I was transported back to a time when I had just received a new piece of expensive tack. The smell of leather was delicious and the quality of the harness was evident from the first glance.

  The leather is smooth and soft with all of the edges beautifully finished. The stitching is tight, neat and even. All of the hardware is shiny and strong and clearly of good quality. It is lined with real sheepskin in all of the appropriate places. There is so much to it, it looks like it should have some weight to it, but it's really quite light-weight. If all I was going to do was look at this harness, it is a thing of beauty. But of course that's not it's purpose, is it?

   As beautiful as it looks, the real beauty is in it's use. Everything is well thought out, the handles are in exactly the right places and it fits my dog perfectly. I have one of those opinionated dogs who is quite particular about his equipment. If something doesn't feel right, he just stands in the center of the room staring at the floor, or running around trying to dislodge whatever it is that irritates him. I have always welcomed his opinion even when it was inconvenient because it is his body, after all. When Murphy first saw the harness, he gave it a tentative sniff and then looked at me like "that's for me, isn't it?". I gave him a treat, put the new harness on and adjusted it, and he was cool with it right away. It was one of those really rare times when there was no adjustment period needed, so clearly the harness is comfortable. Murphy sits, lays down, moves freely, etc. as well as he does when he's naked.

  This harness is exceptionally well-designed. Murphy's initial reaction clearly speaks to it's comfort. There are quick-release buckles (on the correct side of the dog if you work your dog on the traditional left side...awesome!) which makes on/off super easy and quick. The chest piece is high enough not to interfere with the dogs forelegs, and the whole thing is very stable. I have found that just grabbing the sturdy handle in those moments of need kind of short-circuits the vertigo. The pull handle has already gotten me out of a jam or 2, too. I have not fallen at all since receiving the harness, and only had one close call that was staved off by my bracing dog and the sturdy leather handle. Yes, this harness is 'all that', and more:-)

   In addition to the harness I also bought a working dog leash, a harness pack and a couple of patches. Of course all were of impressive quality as well. The leash is beautifully made of leather that matches my harness nicely, it's a perfect weight and has rings in exactly the right places. The patches are two-sided and Velcro back-to-back and fit quite nicely on the harness straps. the graphics are vivid, neat and detailed. The harness pouch is a Sherpani 'Zoe' wallet modified slightly to attach to the harness. It's the perfect size and exactly what I hoped it would be. Katrina suggested I get the pouch in red to match the red accents on the patches and it was a good call:-) The combo looks quite striking on my black dog.

   In my box of goodies there was also a key ring, and clip-on service dog button and most importantly, an envelope with an owner's manual outlining correct adjustment and fit, cleaning how-to's, and helpful tips about introducing the dog to the harness and harness use. Once again, I am as impressed by the support as I am by the beautiful harness. I have no trouble at all recommending Katrina and her company Bold Lead Designs. If you want great service, high-quality equipment that does exactly what it's supposed to and ongoing and friendly support, there's nobody better:-)

Product Reveiw: Bold Lead Designs, Pt. 1, the experience

   A few weeks ago I published a blog lamenting my inability to move forward on several levels ("Getting Around", March 5). That was not a great place to be. Not only was I having car issues, but the severity of my vertigo had increased to an alarming degree causing me to fall on my butt a couple of times. I don't know how to fully express the horror of knowing you are going to fall, grabbing something you think will support you and having it slide out of your grip on the way down. My "safety line" failed.

   I have an awesome service dog. He knows how to warn me and he knows how to brace, but if the equipment fails there's not much that either of us can do. I have a tough enough time leaving the house sometimes. Knowing that there's public face-plant potential is not encouraging or conducive to me getting out and about. I haven't been hurt physically (unless you count the monumental bruise on my behind) but it's scary to have no control and embarrassing to have no control in a public venue. Having people rush over to ask me if I'm okay is sweet, but somehow makes it worse. In my ideal world, I go about my business efficiently and under the radar. Knowing I can fall at any moment takes away my dignity and my option of privacy. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there, maybe; but if you have I know you know exactly what I mean.

   I didn't (and don't) have the time or resources to deal with being reminded that I am a "disabled" person. I have this life I need to be living, a book about to be published and things that I want to do, dammit. When I wrote that blog, I was feeling plopped right back into 'helpless' mode, and that is not at all a comfortable place to be. I've been a visitor, but I won't live there. At the same time, I noticed that more and more service dogs were sporting these fabulous, well-made and secure-looking harnesses. I thought to myself  "THAT is what I need, right there". I checked them out and learned they came from a company called Service Dog Designs (a specialty division of Bold Lead Designs ). Then I looked at the price, and though they were clearly worth every penny and then some, I sort of gave up the idea that I could have one. Like many in my position, I don't have a lot of money. And then I fell again.

   A friend described her experience with the harness, and I knew that it could be life-changing if only I could find a way. I know better than to give up, anyway. I went back to the site, printed off everything that was relevant to me, measured my dog and picked out all the options that would be perfect for us and then I did some brain-storming. While deep in the throes of mentally rearranging my finances (not easy considering the car trouble I was also experiencing) it occurred to me that I might want to call the company for some exact figures so I would know exactly what I was dealing with. At first I hesitated because some companies don't even want to hear your voice until you are ready to make a purchase. I don't want to be that person with no money who just wastes everybody's time speculating. That was the WRONG thing to believe.

   I spoke with Katrina, the company owner and harness-maker extraordinaire. I thought that it was pretty amazing that not only did she speak to me personally, but she was polite and understanding. She knew I didn't have the money, but walked me through the process of creating an invoice, offering helpful and knowledgeable suggestions every step of the way. She never gave me any indication that she might be in a hurry, or that she was wasting her time on somebody who didn't have any money anyway. Her focus remained on what my needs were, and the best way to make that happen. It was so amazing to me that I was actually discussing what I needed FIRST, and how to pay for it second, that I think I even cried a little. The idea that I could have what I needed, that falling could be a thing of the past, was kind of a moving experience. Katrina emailed me the invoice and some funding suggestions. I got excited. Here were options, and I was ready to advocate for myself. The amazing part? It WORKED.

  My harness is going to be shipped next week. If you had asked me in March if I have ever felt so hopeful about the possibilities for my future, I probably would have said "no" if I was answering honestly. Now I can get on with my life, and look forward to the things I have to look forward to! If you are a disabled person who is interested in this harness, don't just look at the cost and give up. Call Katrina, there IS a way. She is even willing to speak directly to potential funding sources. When it's an investment in yourself and your future, it's worth every penny.

This review is definitely going to have a part 2 when the harness arrives and we put it to good use. I normally would wait until after the product arrives to review it, but the experience with the company was so positive and helpful that I thought it was worthy of it's own review. I have no doubt that there are plenty of folks like me who's initial reaction was financially based, and I just wanted to try and help take that piece out of the decision making process. Define what you need, and then make it happen:-)