In a Word, "No"

I'm procrastinating, but just a bit. The truth is, I'm out of spoons (see Spoon Theory if you don't understand the reference) and have been for a few weeks. Normal for this time of year as multiple, big, real-life issues require my immediate and undivided attention whether I like it or not. C'est la vie. I wish everything didn't tend to converge on the same sharp point in time, but it is what it is. Ergo, spoonless. Anyhoo, I thought I might have a little fun addressing one of my pet peeves, and give myself a bit of a brain-break from my stress level. This week's pet peeve, boys and girls, is society's general (and frankly, ridiculous) disdain for the word "no". Perhaps my current spoonlessness was influential in choosing the topic of this post. I'll let you decide;-)

I have been reading SO MANY posts lately on the EEEEEvils of saying "no" to both children and dogs. First, let me give you a heads-up: If your children or dogs don't have a working knowledge of the word "no" and what it means, do not expect me to be around them.  And I am a parent and dog owner, so I'm not just being touchy. Since I live in a building full of children that just went back to school after a vacation (!!), let's begin there:

I just read an article that essentially said that putting limits on children and having behavioral expectations is mean and unnecessary. The article then went on to say that if you don't put limits on children and let them have the freedom to do what they want, then they don't get upset, and we don't want to be the cruel sorts of people that upset our children, do we? Okay, seriously. WTF. This idea scares me on a primal level. The REALITY OF THE WORLD is that there ARE limits. You absolutely CANNOT do everything you want to, just because you want to do it. It's terrifying to think of an entire generation of children growing up with no coping skills whatsoever for the reality of limits in their lives and believing that they can just continue to do whatever they want. Maybe it horrifies me so because I was raised to respect other people as well as myself, to not only think for myself but to incorporate the ideas and wisdom of my elders, and to understand what limits are and to learn not only to work within them, but to know when it might be appropriate to bump up against them. I was a very lucky little girl to have the wonderful upbringing that I had, and I've gotta say, being friendly and polite is a pretty powerful way to open doors for yourself, especially when it's innate and genuine. I am shocked by the behavior of many of the kids I encounter these days, and it makes me feel a bit sorry for them too. They are in for an abrupt and bumpy induction into the world of adulthood. Well, provided they survive being a teenager.

My belief on this topic is this: Raise your children to believe in themselves and their abilities. Love them unconditionally and treat them with respect. Teach them, with love and gentleness, how to cope with the natural limits that life imposes, how to thrive within that structure and to ultimately use it as a springboard to propel themselves forward into well-adjusted adulthood. Teach them good manners so doors will open for them, then others, who won't love them the way you do, will want to help them to succeed. Show them how to treat people by being kind and respectful toward others yourself. What you model for them is far more influential than anything you will ever say. If you are a parent with young children and you subscribe to the 'never say no' philosophy, remember that someday they WILL be teenagers. If you don't have their respect (and I mean respect, not fear. I abhor spanking and believe that teaching through fear is failure) and attention before then, it is your child's safety that is at stake, not just your peace of mind. Trust me, as the parent of a young adult, I know what I'm talking about. I have been SO GRATEFUL for the relationship I have with my daughter. It hasn't always been smooth and I'm never going to win any parent of the year awards, but I'm proud of the person she grew up to be and love the continued openness of communication that we have. 

As for dogs? Well, they don't speak human so they don't really have any negative association with the word "no" unless YOU have created it. In my household, the word "no" is just communication, not the end of the world. My quick-brained pupper would get incredibly frustrated very quickly if I just stood there staring at him while he threw behaviors at me. He doesn't want to just know when he's on the right track, but when he's on the wrong one too. The word "no" doesn't devastate him and crush his spirit, it just means "try something else". As far as he's concerned the quicker he can get to a reward the better, so he seems to appreciate the feedback! We can use that for games, too. I play fetch with Murph in the park each morning. Sometimes, I throw the ball far enough that he loses track of it before he can get to it. I always see where it lands, and can direct him to it by just saying "yes" and "no", kinda like a game of "hot" and "cold". Murph seems to really enjoy it, and I suspect at times that he loses his ball on purpose:-) It was especially fun watching the faces of a construction crew (there to build a baseball field) as I directed Murph to his ball and he totally understood what I was doing! I get the premise of giving a dog something positive to do instead of just saying "no" to an unwanted behavior, but there needs to be some common sense applied too. Like children, dogs need to understand limits and to learn impulse control. For some dogs a soft touch is absolutely required, but others need something more. All dogs are simply not created equal, they are not robots, they don't all respond the same to the same training methods. And I have 20 years of experience to back that up.

Ultimately, the reality is this: Neither children nor dogs innately know how to behave within the rules, and they need for YOU to teach them and prepare them for life in the real world. Not to do so is to fail them.

Phew! I DO feel a bit better:-)

When Things Go to Hell

A beautiful sunrise for you all:-)

What a week, eh? As I write this, the police have already killed one of the suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing and are in hot pursuit of the other. And it's not the only tragedy of the week. This post is not about tragedy though, so I'm not dwelling there or getting into all the reasons why we should be fearful or sad. I think human beings are far too aware of that already. I'm more interested in how we can react positively to these tragic situations. In that light, I would first like to offer my love and condolences to all those lost and injured, and their loved ones. While it's always a good idea to forget our sorrow, people should never be forgotten.

I have been largely impressed by the role of social media this week, and incredibly impressed by my friends. Social media has helped to keep people in touch with each other, and positive, loving posts have been passed around relentlessly; far more than fearful and ugly ones. One of my favorites has been a quote by Fred Rogers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." The quote became so popular that it made the news.

And people DID look for the helpers, and BECAME the helpers in droves. Humanity at it's worst was offset completely by an overwhelming and heartwarming show of humanity at it's most-loving best. And the media actually reported the positive! I LOVE that when a small minority tries to impose their ugliness on the world, the world responds with ever-increasing kindness and love. That's what I will take away from everything that happened this week. I will use these tragic events to strengthen my faith in humanity and to increase my love of same. Imagine how powerful that sentiment can be as it ripples out and touches us all, encouraging everyone to do the same. It seems to be where most of us are at, anyway. I understand that it's more difficult for some.

I think of it like panning for gold. If you simply eliminate the focus on things that cause pain and heartbreak, you will be left with everything good. That's what you keep and take with you. The more you practice "panning", the more adept you become at sifting through and eliminating the scurf. I will admit that at times, it really IS work, but it's worth it.

So today I offer you my faith and love, and I promise to put that energy forward into the world on behalf of those who have suffered. In that spirit I have found a photo a beautiful sunrise for you all, to remind you that no matter how bad the storm, the sun always rises again to bring us light, life and hope:-)

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

I've spent a lot of time paralyzed. I've imagined all sorts of possibilities for myself, both positive and negative. I've allowed myself to be so consumed by immediate need that it swallowed me whole. I've let fear overwhelm me and a thousand little things stand in the way of forward movement. I think all of those things are understandable sometimes, especially in the wake of sadness, deep disappointment and hurt that is hard to process and amidst the loud babble of unmet needs. DooDoo happens. But how long it happens for can be entirely flexible. I don't mean that, all of a sudden, all of those distractions are just going to go away. I have learned that distractions and hardship persist; people will always behave in ways that defy my personal view of fair or reasonable and the one thing that I can control is how I react to it. There is power in that notion. Think about it: The whole world can be crumbling down around you, but if you decide you are having a beautiful day, nothing can touch you.

It's a powerful place to be, above the influence of hurt and fear. All our most base instincts want us to react, to share our pain, to let those around us know we suffer and to blame the randomness of circumstance for that suffering. I've done it. At times, my reaction to those who have hurt me has been to hurt them back. And what an ugly cycle. So much better to reframe, to decide that hurtful people have no place in our lives and to move forward accordingly. When what's detrimental is dislodged, it leaves a space to be filled by someone or something positive. This I know. I also know that Karma serves us all. It doesn't matter how badly somebody has treated you, because it all comes around in the end. Your job is to stay compassionate, keep your own behavior above reproach and move on. You don't have to wait for the pain to stop to move forward, you just have to make the decision.

I have goals. I have set them aside and waited. I've waited for my computer so I would have my materials, I have waited for the chaos around me to subside, I have waited for the proverbial "sign". I have wasted a lot of time and I can't wait anymore. Sometimes moving forward means having to backtrack, so that's what I'll do. It will take longer, but not as long as I've already waited. My life is, and has been, on hold. I'm tired of waiting for the stars to align. Yes, I am afraid of failure. I've put a lot of eggs in one basket. I've worked long and hard without pay with the expectation of an eventual payoff. When is "eventual"?

Some say I've done the most difficult part already, but that's subjective. For me, the writing is the easy part; it's what comes next that presents me with the greatest challenge. But like any journey, it begins with the first step...

Full Moon

I'm no astrologer, but long-time interest in astrology has given me enough insight to know that the full moon symbolizes endings and completion. I'm not sure that that notion has ever been more true than now. The last few weeks have kicked some a** (sometimes via my loved ones) in terms of endings and good-byes, life-altering changes, burned bridges and some not-so-happy surprises. And it isn't the first time.

I have noticed over time that, as much as I resist change fervently, it occurs without warning and without the courtesy of awaiting input from me. That's life. Without change there could be no improvement, no forward movement. Without endings, no magical beginnings could ever occur. It would all be the same, all the time. Comforting, maybe. Stimulating, invigorating, the stuff of being alive? Not so much. I love that my age has provided me with at least some ability to be philosophical.

The pain of loss evaporates over time. I have learned that much. As much as we try to cling to the threads of memory, most of the details dissipate like smoke over time. At first we panic as we cling to them, but it's a natural process. We HAVE to let go or we don't heal. The more we do it, the better we get at it. It's how we eventually can look back and smile when we remember those we've lost. Even when those losses are by choice and not forced by death we can sometimes have those moments of happy memory.

Mourning is easy. It's not something that we think about and must orchestrate. It takes us over and takes us down. All we have to do is succumb to it until it allows us to surface once again for air. That's when the real work begins. The work of rebuilding the life destroyed in the wake of loss. Like any journey, it begins with one step, and then another. Sometimes those first steps are shaky and uncertain, but become more and more deliberate as the road ahead opens up before you. This is the important part. Deciding who you want to be and learning how to be in the world without your loved one.

And you really DO get to decide. With every end, a new beginning. With winter's passing comes the spring. How timely to think of it that way. As painful as things can be, eventually the sun comes out again and it can feel like seeing it for the very first time. It will warm your face and make you smile and remind you how beautiful life is, right now, and how much is out there waiting for you. You can do this. You've done it before and it just made you stronger and smarter. All will be well again, I promise.

For my loved ones who have suffered so much the last few weeks...

Dominic

Tommy and Dominic share a bite

The conversation went something like this:

Me: "But Tommy...the puppy loves you!"
Tommy:  "I don't have time for a dog right now. And I'm NOT going to spend $1500 on a dog!"

I remember it like it was yesterday. My friend Autumn was working for a Doberman breeder and she convinced me that I should too. It didn't take a lot of convincing. She and I had fallen in love with a beautiful male puppy-the last one left. We knew and loved the puppy's parents (in fact we were both with the puppy's dad when he later passed away). But it wasn't just about that. It wasn't just that he was beautiful, it wasn't even about his amazing bloodlines. He was just...cool. He had swagger, even when he was just kicking back in his run, leaning against a run pad. He even made taped ears look good. He had been held by the breeder because he was spectacular and an excellent breeding candidate. But they were considering retirement. Autumn and I were in agony about the idea he might be sold, but neither of us was in a position to have another dog; I already had four, and Autumn had three.

"PLEASE pay attention to the puppy!" the breeder pleaded with Autumn before they went on vacation. The puppy took turns coming home with us. He hung out with our dogs, played with my daughter and did what puppies do. One night, I convinced Tommy, my boyfriend at the time (we broke up many years ago now, but have been friends ever since) to meet Autumn at the kennel with me. He fought the idea, but in the end he went to the kennel. It was the first time he met the puppy, and though Tommy wouldn't admit it at the time, it was love at first sight for both. Autumn and I exchanged looks, and I knew we had the same diabolical plan: Tommy could buy the puppy. As far as we were concerned it was a done deal. I mustered up my considerable manipulative skills and set to work.

In spite of Tommy's initial resistance (resistance is futile!), the puppy's considerable charms (and surprisingly little nudging from me) quickly won him over. How can anyone resist a Doberman puppy when they are all wiggly snoot and feet, with dorky taped ears? In no time at all, Tommy was sitting in the breeder's office with the puppy squirming on his lap, credit card in hand. Autumn and I were ecstatic, of course. I had a few concerns initially about whether I had set Tommy up for more than he was ready to handle, but he turned out to be a first rate doggie-daddy. He named the puppy Dominic after his grandfather. "The Puppy" finally had a name.

Tommy was right about how busy he was back then. He had a full time job working for an upholstery shop and he was the bass player in a band that toured regularly, sometimes for a month at a time in Europe. For the first few years Dominic spent that time with us, then his family took over the Dober-care. Either way, Tommy knew his faithful friend was happy and safe until he came home. In fact, with Tommy's love and devotion, Dominic never knew a day of pain; he always ate the best food always had his morning walk, always saw the vet when he needed to. Always. He never lacked for a single thing. He grew up to be as beautiful and wonderful as anticipated, thriving as the center of Tommy's Universe. A Doberman's favorite place to be.

We took Dominic to training classes with a local police chief. He was very impressed with him. I can't be sure, but I don't believe the chief ever charged Tommy for being in the class. Dominic was a quick study and reached maturity as a very popular pinscher. Tommy bought Gia to be his companion (and though her lines weren't quite as impressive as Dom's, she was pretty amazing in her own right). Tommy was as amazing with two dogs as he was with one. Eventually Dominic and Gia had a litter. I have seen and cared for a lot of puppies, but these kids were unforgettable. Not a dud in the bunch. Even the vet was impressed, and when we pointed out our 'runt', all he could do was shake his head and say "If that's your runt, this is one impressive litter".  I remember them well: Murphy (yes, my Murphy) Zara, Annie, Tia, Kristi and Fracas (who, for some reason we called 'Ficus'). And I remember how Tommy cared for them. They were always clean, always shiny. I found myself impressed again.

It was to be Gia's only litter; she developed an infection and needed to be spayed. The puppies were sold to carefully pre-screened homes until only Murphy was left. Then the conversation went something like this:

Tommy: "There's a guy in Rutland who's into dog sports and he wants to buy Murphy. I think he might be into breeding too."
Me: "Yeah? Is he a good guy?"
Tommy: "Yeah, he sounds great. He would pay good money for him too. Or you could just keep him, and I would end up paying most of his medical expenses for the rest of his life." (a fair assessment of the situation!)
Me: "What do YOU want to do?" (hopeful!)
Tommy: "Dammit...come get your dog."

It was so Tommy.

Gia passed away suddenly at the age of six, and it was just Tommy and Dominic again. Or more accurately, tommyanddominic. Years go by as they do. Time moves us forward. We grow and change. Tommy opened his own upholstery shop and gave up his music. Tommy's business, perhaps due to karma, has always been in the black. He and Dominic continued on their comfy routines. Dominic always looking and acting much younger than his age.

A couple of years ago, I noticed for the first time that Dom was slowing down. I told myself he was fine. Dom had never been frail; he was a solid wall of Doberman to an imposing degree. Tommy noticed it too, though he didn't say it often. His walks in the field became much-loved visits around the neighborhood. Comfortable beds, though always a priority, became more so. Tommy catered to his aging friend's every need without complaint, always putting him first. That's who Tommy is.

About a week ago, Tommy started calling me about Dominic's health. I could hear the frantic edge just beneath the surface, but Dominic had pneumonia and there was nothing I could do. I imagined what he was going through, the now-frail Dominic fading in front of him. Still, I held fast to the idea that if he could recover, he would be fine.

Dominic passed away in Tommy's arms this morning, surrounded by his family and in his own yard. He would have been thirteen on May 19th. It doesn't seem real. In the end, it isn't about the money we spent, or bloodlines. It isn't about certificates on the wall. It's about who they are. That's the part that touches us, and never lets us go.

RIP my friend.

Mythunderstanding

I read an article the other day in which a dog trainer stated "I can't imagine any training situation in which I would employ a prong collar". I'm glad she said it that way. There was an addendum to the article that went on to ask "How hard a jerk on the collar is enough to have the desired effect of suppressing behavior without mentally or physically damaging the dog?" as though "jerking on the collar" is part and parcel of prong collar use and suppressing behavior is ever a desired goal. And even more disturbing to me "...if you punish in anger and your violence is reinforced, you are likely to get violent more, and more easily." HOLY CRAP. Do people really believe that this is what a prong collar is all about? And shouldn't a trainer have the education to know better? Having said that, if someone can't imagine a positive and practical use for this tool and has only been exposed to violence (!?) and misuse, then I agree: Don't include a prong collar in your box of training tools. You don't understand it well enough to use it humanely. But please, be self-aware enough to refer out any dog that doesn't fit within the limits of your training abilities.

It seems to be a very common thing these days: Using words like "cruel", "pain" and "never", and describing horrifyingly incorrect applications as "techniques for prong collar use" and then using this misinformation to perpetuate X, Y or Z training philosophy to the exclusion of all else. Look, if you don't like something, that's fine. If you think it's mean, to YOUR understanding, then that's your prerogative too. But if you are a teacher/trainer, then you have an obligation to educate yourself well enough to give factual information to your clients and NOT just perpetuate myths because they are convenient. Even if you have no interest in using a prong collar, you should at least make the effort to learn the truth about them instead of continuing to recycle the same misinformation. I like to tell horror stories as much as the next guy (okay, probably more than the next guy) but I don't try to pass them off as something they aren't.

So you train pets, and maybe do an AKC sport or two. The vast majority of dogs that you work with would never make it as a working dog because they don't have the temperament, and that's as it should be. Everybody's happy and you can go right on hating prong collars. But what do you do when a client has a tenacious, drivey working dog? You know what I mean, the confident kind that's powerful and strong and physically insensitive. How much do you think this dog gets walked, when, even after lots of training, there are still moments when this dog takes it's owner for a drag after a cat or squirrel? How happy do you think this dog is when he's permanently relegated (aka "managed") to doggie prison (the back yard), given to a shelter or killed because he's too much for his owner, all-positive training isn't cutting it and his owner is out of his or her depth? This is the side the issue that I've seen too often. Add to this the blame that gets aimed at the owner because their dog doesn't fit in "the box" and you probably are looking at a dog with a fairly limited life-span. As trainers, you have a responsibility to do better by the dogs in your care and the owners who come to you and pay you for your help. You have more responsibility for those lives than you do to adherence to a limited set of principles. Many of the best trainers I know don't like prong collars, but they can at least imagine a positive application and understand the need to be flexible when dealing with living and unique individuals.

<sup>Let me be clear here: This isn't my favorite tool. I agree that it's easy to abuse. What I object to is the perpetuation of misinformation by people who are in a position to know better and properly educate their students, and the perpeutuation of misinformation by people who don't have a clue simply because they lack the experience. As always I turn to Susan Clothier for common sense. She doesn't like prong collars either but understands (albeit reluctantly) they still have a place: Training With The Prong Collar 

Ms. Clothier doesn't just say "These are mean and you're a cruel S.O.B. if you use them". She has the wisdom and experience to share her opinion honestly but can add a real education based on an accurate understanding, not just incendiary and incorrect propaganda.</sup>

To tie one on...or not?

Photo: 123RF.com

I've noticed a new trend in the dogosphere: the promotion of colored ribbons used to designate 'safe' vs. 'unsafe' animals. I suppose the idea isn't so new. When I was young and used to show horses, I knew that a red ribbon in the tail of a horse meant that the horse was known to kick. At first I questioned why I needed to know that. My 4-H leader's response was "So you don't ride up that horse's butt".  Well, I had a really good 4-H leader so I already knew not to ride up the butt of ANY horse. Most horses don't like another horse on their heels, so the ribbons seemed superfluous to me. It seemed to me that the horses were being marked for behaving in understandable ways. Having said that, there was invariably that rider who would ride their horse right into another horse, get kicked, and then blame the 'kicker's' rider for not tying a red ribbon in the horse's tail. The incident was usually followed by a bunch of hullabaloo and the announcer providing yet another tired lecture on the importance of red ribbons and understanding what they mean. The point is, the horse who kicked did exactly what horses do when another horse is invading their space, but that horse's rider was always the one taking all the guff. The idiot who rode like she was bowling was treated as an innocent victim. Seriously.

And now there are folks promoting the use of colored ribbons for dogs. Um, okay. I've seen flags, bandannas, patches, badges and most recently The Yellow Dog Project has launched a campaign to promote the use of yellow ribbons. Their message is a simple one: If your dog needs space, tie a yellow ribbon to the leash. If you see a dog with a yellow ribbon on the leash, give it space. I have no desire whatsoever to pick on these folks and what they are doing, but I do have a couple of problems with this system. 1) The folks who most need the reminder to back off aren't the ones who are likely to know what the ribbons mean. Non-dog people are pretty unlikely to have seen the promotional material, as are new dog owners, and 'fur-kid' folks (people who think of their dogs as furry children who can do no wrong). I have used badges and patches (my dog is a service dog) and have STILL had issues with other dogs and people getting in my dog's space. 2) I think a ribbon system can have unintended, negative consequences. It can lead to the assumption that any dog NOT sporting a ribbon is totally cool with being harassed, and that's the OPPOSITE of public education. In fact, as this movement spreads, I have already begun to see this happening.

If we have the opportunity to educate the public, why don't we REALLY educate them? If folks knew the truth about dogs, signs, symbols, ribbons, etc. would become unnecessary and domestic dogs everywhere could heave a collective sigh of relief. I really like Suzanne Clothier's common-sense approach, and highly recommend reading her blog post He Just Wants to Say "Hi" for an insightful look at what many dogs are subjected to in their daily lives. I also suggest checking out Dogs In Need of Space. They are an excellent educational resource and support system for owners who are feeling challenged or for those who just want to know more about appropriate behavior around dogs.

The truth is simple: ALL dogs should be given their space. A dog should NEVER be allowed to run up to a strange dog and get in their face (outside of a specifically designated dog park). A person, adult or child, should NEVER pet a dog without asking. Leash laws should ALWAYS be obeyed. These are basics here folks. This should be common sense to the point where I almost feel silly having to write it. I mean, how foolish would it be if we had to walk around wearing signs and ribbons to prevent strangers from harassing us? WHY do we assume then, that dogs are public domain?

I think too many people misunderstand what it means to be a 'social species'. WE are a social species, but we would still find it incredibly upsetting to have a stranger running at us and touching us and getting in our face. So it is for our dogs. While I have had a few dogs who tolerated this, I have only ever had one that really enjoyed the attention of strangers. It is more uncommon than people want to believe. THAT is what the public needs to learn. Unfortunately for dogs, most of what the public has learned has come from animated children's films about dogs; all the dogs speak in human voices, share human morality, are endlessly devoted to all people, and by gosh by golly all they want is to just be dogs, free to romp and play and sing songs. And if you happen to be the owner (or guardian, parent, whatever) of a dog who doesn't fit this fantasy stereotype, either you are a failure or your dog has something wrong with it. The truth is that most of the behavior exhibited by dogs who would be considered "Yellow Ribbon" worthy, is a natural and normal response to the rude, inappropriate behavior of another dog/person. I think that's the take-away message here.

We shouldn't need anything special to prevent  harassment  by people and other dogs. Common sense and hey, just good manners should be all that is necessary. But an awareness of how rare both of those attributes are these days does lend some credibility to the need for education. Since we are attempting to provide this education, I think we should treat the problem instead of just being okay with addressing the symptom.