Fortysomething

My birthday comes around at a time of year that, for me, things go a little 'groundhog day'. I don't mean the actual day, I mean the movie. It feels a bit like I'm living the same cold, grey day over and over again. I'm really not a fan of winter. I love that my birthday is a day to look forward to in the midst of an otherwise relatively dreary time of year. I love that I'm an Aquarius, because weird is the best way to be. And I really DO look forward to my birthday. I see so many women flipping out about getting older, and I guess I don't get it. It's like they're ashamed or something, when getting older is a gift. It means you're winning!

I have been asked SO many times if I would go back to being 20. That would be a loud, resounding F*** no! Give up what I know, the depth of my understanding, the perspective and wonder of experience, and all the people I've met along the way, just for something as ultimately useless as smoother skin and a better body? What a terrible trade that would be. And let's face it, I can still do everything I did back then (and more), but I'm a whole lot better at it ;-) I can listen to people argue passionately about things that experience has taught me are irrelevant, and not get involved. Things just don't get to me the way they used to, because I can see a bigger picture. Here's the cool thing though: I'm still teachable, maybe even more than I used to be. I think that's a choice, because I know folks my age (and older) who won't/can't hear anything that doesn't gel with what they already know. It makes me sad, but I've learned to not engage and that brings me peace. But I had to learn that. I think it makes more sense to just do what you know is right. Just don't be an a**hole. That's my goal. Well, one of them, anyway.

My goals have evolved and changed as I have. In my 20's I thought I had it figured out, then in my 30's I started to understand that maybe I didn't know sh**, but I would work on fitting into a persona that felt comfortable and right. In my 40's I was freed from all of that. I've found some authenticity. Now I KNOW I don't know sh** but it's okay because learning never stops. I know that we aren't here to be anything but who we really are, and that evolves and changes with experience and that's okay. I sort of feel like a kid again, knowing that there is so much out there to explore and so much to learn.

Sometimes, I get bummed because I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. There are a lot of things I want to do that have thus-far been out of my reach, but I'm not done yet. I need to remember the awesomeness of my life sometimes, just to get some perspective. I had the simplest and coolest small-town upbringing, I had horses. I was raised by educated and decent people who taught me to be kind. My family rocks. My friends, the new ones, the ones I've known my whole life, and everyone in between are some of the best people, and in that way I'm incredibly blessed. I'm super picky about who I 'friend' on FB, but the vast majority of them are my real friends. My mom did her masters thesis on the benefit a sense of humor can have on your health. My step-dad is a kind soul who can do anything, and does it quietly and without need of fanfare. My dad is a rock hound who lives in a 5th-wheel. How awesome they all are. All of them moving forward and searching in their own way.

Sometimes, I've felt like I've stood still, but I haven't. I've done so many things, from working in a shoe factory to making guacamole. I had a sculpting business, my horse-sculptures sold around the world. I've worked on farms and in dog kennels. I sang, I danced. I went to school and met new people and learned new things. I've struggled, and I haven't. I've published a book, I've been on television. I've had entire phone conversations with movie producers. I've met so many famous people through music. My daughter is half Russian. Sometimes, it feels like my life has been so small, but it hasn't. I feel like I'm just getting to the good part. There are things left to do, and dreams yet to be fulfilled.

I still have a horse to look forward to. What I've wanted has changed over the years, and maybe that's why there's been a delay in the fulfillment of that particular dream. As much as waiting sucks, it's been educational and the perspective it's given me has been very valuable. I haven't found love yet. Oh, there's been plenty of "love", but not love. And that's cool. Love knows where to find me. If he wants me, he's going to have to come and get me because I'm not going to chase him (whoever 'he' may be). My daughter turned out to be an amazing human being, and somehow that makes me feel like I deserve to have my life back and to live it to the fullest. I know what I need to do, and there are steps I can take to build on the success I've already worked for. I just need to pull my head out of my a**, remember how much my dreams mean to me and FOCUS. As the sun comes around again and marks another year in my life, I look forward to another pink cake and celebration with loved ones, and all the experiences yet to be had.