"Victim" Mentality

It's been a day, and I'm tired. The full moon is kicking my butt, and there is a lot going on in my life. Some of it makes sense, some of it doesn't. I'm going with the flow (well, as much as I do, anyway). I'm not alone here. There seems to be more than a few people going through some stuff right now. I see you, I feel you and I love you, so know that. It is what it is, and we'll all get through our collective stuff, but I had a conversation today that was sort of a touchy one for me, and even relevant on a broader scale. Sometimes what I do when I don't know how to process something is to put it here. I have the time and the need, so here goes.

Today, I was blamed for being verbally abused. Well, maybe not blamed, exactly, but it was implied that I had some part in it (I didn't). I was told that if I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen and move on in order to keep the peace, that the issue was my fault and I was hanging on to a victim mentality. It seems like a good time to be clear about this over-used (and often IMPROPERLY used) phrase, and define what a victim mentality really is.

I can speak to this personally, and without hesitation. Folks who know me know that I've been through some sh**. My trauma history isn't for the feint of heart. But it is just that: history. And there's a reason for that: The reason is that I stood and faced it, I talked about it, I dealt with it and I had the balls to put things in perspective and to hold people accountable. Some of it took me a really long time to deal with, mostly because I didn't want to look at it too closely, but eventually I DID deal with it. I still do that, and I'm smarter about what I allow into my life as a result. Facing things directly and head on is NOT the easy route, it's not the simple or painless route, and it isn't without consequences. But IS the only way forward. Sometimes that crap (and please forgive the graphic imagery here) is like a big boil that isn't going to get better until you open it up and let all the goo out. Only then will it heal. And yeah, breaking it open is going to hurt like hell and cause a big mess, but that's nothing compered to the discomfort of continuing to live with that boil. Anyhoo, dealing with the ugly sh** head on and refusing to accept further abuse is the OPPOSITE of victim mentality. Standing up for yourself is the OPPOSITE of victim mentality. Refusing to allow abusive people to continue to abuse you is the OPPOSITE of victim mentality. Holding people accountable (in whatever form that takes) for the way they've treated you is the OPPOSITE of victim mentality.

Shutting up to keep the peace, pretending the abuse/assault/bullying/whatever never happened so you don't make waves, that's staying a victim. Being afraid to advocate for yourself, that is victim mentality. No, no, and FUCK no. It took me a long time to learn how to stand up for myself. Part of me needed to learn how to believe that I had a right to. How messed up is that? And to be here, at this place in my life, and to STILL be expected to shut up and take it...no. Never again. I am a lucky human to have awesome, loving people in my life. I love them dearly, and they love me and I know that. Nobody is perfect, but we know how to treat each other with kindness and respect, even when there is conflict. None of us has to jump through any hoops to prove anything to each other. Love is unconditional. If your excuse for abusing and threatening people is "I was mad", then you have a problem and a lot of work to do. But it is no longer my problem.