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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Tired

It's been an odd day. I was up very early this morning after a not-so-great night of sleep, and kind of at the last minute decided to take the day off. It was a good decision. When I'm this tired, I feel especially vulnerable. I've been tired lately, but especially this morning after my lame night of sleep. Sometimes it's best to be avoidy and hole up a bit in the interest of preserving my own sanity. The unfortunate trade off is that I'm more likely to spend time on social media when I have the time. Facebook is an ugly place to be these days and I let it hook me. If I had had my wits about me, I would just rise above. I would think deep, meaningful thoughts like "don't be drawn in by the propaganda juggernaut; instead be the change you want to see". I would read offensive material, pause briefly, and then hit "delete" and move on. Today it got to me again. I need to get better at this.

I'm still tired but I already feel myself floating beyond the petty little FB junk-comments. I see the big picture, not just the symptoms or the end results, and it's not always an easy place to be. I wish I could just nit pick the readily apparent (and largely irrelevant) details, but the big picture is more obvious and pressing. Am I alone here? I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't control the big picture. I can't change peoples' minds or make people know what I know or see what I see. People do what they want, and it's just as well. We all have that right, as it should be. And that doesn't matter either. So what can I do?

I can focus on my corner. I alone decide whether or not I get hooked. I can take action in my corner, the kind of action that is informed by my own wisdom and initiated by my own heart. I can keep it real and have faith in myself. That wasn't always easy, but it is now. My experiences haven't made me less, but more. My perspective is deep and wide. I am an intelligent and curious person who loves books, has high-speed internet and a desire to see the word from all angles. And I'm tenacious and voracious. I long ago gave up the insistence on a singular, narrow viewpoint. Intellectual and psychological evolution are equally important. I revel in forming my opinions, and changing them as new information comes to light. I love the exploration of new points of view; to try them on, to adopt them as my own. Or not. But I can't make decisions based on uninformed, peripheral logic; on nothing more than rumor or speculation. I never could. But it's the easy thing to do, isn't it? It's easy to believe something because you want to believe it, and because it makes you feel good somehow to do so. Even easier when it allows you to swim with the current (and the current ideology). It's much more difficult to choose an original path. Maybe that's why so few do it.

I think too much. Maybe that's part of the problem. I'm always trying to make sense of what I see and hear, to make it relateable somehow.  Sometimes there is no sense to be made. Sometimes, circumstances defy my need to create some type of order out of their chaotic or uninspired principles. I need to live with that. I need to live with knowing that things don't always make sense. Especially now, when I'm so tired and I've had so little sleep...


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