Time

I had a birthday last week. I love my birthday, even at my age, because I think of it as my own personal holiday. I make it all about me, and the people around me tend to allow and perpetuate the indulgence. I had to do math (never fun for me) to figure out how old I am because I tend to forget at this point. I think beyond a certain age the numbers become less relevant. I remember how excited I was when I turned 10 because because I was "finally double digits", and the excitement of 13 because I was a "real teen-ager". I remember my not-so-sweet 16, and the ambivalence of turning 21; "Yeah! I can drink legally", but big whoopdee-doo for someone who grew up on the Canadian border;-)

I don't really mind getting older because of the learning curve. My daughter asked me once if I missed my 20's...oh HELL no. I've learned a lot since then, not the least of which is how much there is yet to learn, and I wouldn't go back for anything. In our 20's we tend to know it all. Funny how that works:-) To say I didn't have my priorities straight would be an understatement too. Let's just say I logged some serious mirror time between my single-parenting duties. Funny how when I started worrying more about what was on the inside, the outside, and what people thought of it, seemed far less relevant. I think young people almost always have to go through the 'mirror' phase, but I don't miss it.

One thing I will say about getting older is that time seems to move faster. We understand that there is nothing we could own and no amount of money as valuable as our time. It's something nobody can give us, and yet we are so cavalier about how little we sell our hours and days for. We allow ourselves and our time to be undervalued by others because we undervalue ourselves. It's so common that it's largely unquestioned, and we consider ourselves lucky that somebody else is willing to pay us for our time at all. But each hour, each minute, it's OURS and we can't ever get it back. We think crazy thoughts like "sometimes we have to make sacrifices and that's just what we've gotta do". Um, do we? Or could we just stop being all martyred long enough to realize that we are all good at something, we all have dreams and goals and nobody's dreams and goals are greater or less than anybody else's. So if we're selling our time in pursuit of someone else's success, shouldn't that be worth something? If I want to pursue something free or dirt cheap because it has personal value to me (like this blog), that is my choice, my decision to make. But if I am in pursuit of someone else's goal I expect to be appropriately compensated for my time. MY time. On the flipside of this situation, if you can't adequately or fairly compensate someone for the time they are giving to pursuit of YOUR success, then you should probably do it all yourself. If you can't, then you may want to reevaluate the importance of your workforce and compensate them accordingly. I'm just sayin'. There's a karmic bit to this too. And believe you me, I know all about giving my time away for a pittance. Never again. It's amazing how the Universe cooperates when you finally decide that you are worth MORE.

We all are. We each have to take responsibility for deciding what we are worth, and to do so unapologetically. We are each the Kings or Queens of our own time and ourselves, and there's no price worth giving that away for a pittance. Too many times I've heard someone say "I guess that's good enough" or "at least I have a job". I think that's fine-temporarily. If you just need to get from point A to point B until you can do something worthwhile, well, that's life sometimes. Sometimes compensation isn't monetary, and that's okay too if it's giving something back to you. Some things are even better than money if you have what you need. Settling for years though, not cool. Getting comfortable with being underpaid and undervalued is one of the saddest ways to spend your time that I could ever imagine. But you have to believe in possibilities to pursue your own goals, and years of being undervalued by yourself and others can all but destroy that ability. Sometimes years of being told that you work hard and if you're lucky you have what you need, but BIG successes are for OTHER people is the mantra to overcome. But ultimately, this time is yours and mine and the choices are ours to make. Cool, huh?

Equilibrium

I'm realizing that it doesn't take much to throw me wildly off my game. I am a creature of routines, and anything that veers off course from the norm has a serious "ooh, shiney!" effect on me that it's difficult to recover from. It's been a couple of months since my car and computer bit the dust, and I'm still reeling from the experience. My car is up and running again, better than before, so that's all right, and a huge weight off my shoulders. My computer though, well, that's a different story.

My daughter generously (if a bit fearfully) allows me to use her laptop. I am uber-grateful for the use of the laptop, but it still feels like trying to make a meal in someone else's kitchen or trying to sleep in a strange bed...it's wicked awkward. My files and programs are notably absent and I'm not super sure about how anything is organized. I just can't get comfortable. Comfy enough to write this blog, perhaps. Comfy enough to re-re-re-edit my book so I can move forward on the damned thing, not so much. Certainly, there are things I can be doing, but my brain derails me. I think "well, I could do that interview" or "I could explore that publishing avenue" but the next logical step always involves having access to the book, which I don't. I feel like I will be stopped dead in my tracks (mentally-BAD brain) until I can put my hands on the subject of my focus. I suppose it makes sense to be frustrated by my inability to make progress on a project I don't have access to, but the more time goes by, the louder my internal clock ticks and the more aware I am of time being wasted.

Don't get me wrong. A waste of time isn't always really a waste. Sometimes 'think time' is the most important time of all. I had to learn that the hard way. Sometimes external action is nothing more than the mechanical manifestation of lots and lots internal work. And hey, that's cool. But right now I AM wasting time. I am idling in park, sitting in limbo, twiddling my thumbs and rattling around my space like a singular pea in a multi-pea pod, and waiting. Unfortunately, the downside of being a thinky-person is that my brain is voracious. If I don't give it lots to do and feed it well, it starts to cannibalize itself. Soon, I fear, I will find myself staring at a wall and drooling. Or maybe it's just because it's February:-)

On the upside, the hard drive is ALIVE (thanks to my talented and computer-savvy step dad). I could have lost the whole works, but I didn't. That alone is worthy of celebration. But there is still something wrong with my computer. If you read my blog you know that I am literally plagued with computer problems, I've lost large sections of the book on two occasions and I can't seem to keep things doing what they are supposed to do long enough for me to make much headway at any given time. Ergo, my daughter's understandable trepidation in allowing me to use her laptop. I see her watching me furtively from the corner of her eye while she prays that whatever computer-killing curse I possess remains directed at only my machines. But I digress:-) (is that possible considering the meandering nature of this particular rumination?)

But it will be okay. Things work out in the end, sometimes better than expected. I just need to find a productive way to utilize my time until it's all sorted out. Till next time...

Gun Control

A musket, popular when the constitution was written

I don't have a strong opinion one way or the other about gun control. Maybe it's because my life has never been ruined by gun violence. Maybe it's because I live in a  state with very few gun laws (except those pertaining to hunters) and very little gun violence. Most gun-related death here in Vermont (knock on wood) is the result of  a hunting accident. I don't know if we're lucky or smart. I just know that living in this sort of environment has provided me the luxury of not needing to have a strong opinion. It's not a luxury that everybody has. Even so, as I peruse Facebook (okay, yeah. I spend too much time on Facebook). I don't see much in the way of anti-gun propaganda, but I see tons and tons of pro-gun stuff. It seems a bit unbalanced (an appropriate word in many ways;-). There are so many angry people reacting strongly to a situation that isn't really even a 'thing'.

Okay, a bit of advice here: If you want to make an argument against gun control, you may want to avoid the following: Threats of violence, joking about shooting people for being on your lawn, comparing guns to cars or pencils or any other inane and irrelevant comparison that screams "I SO don't get it!"; over-the-top rage, expressions of bunker-mentality, anti-government and conspiracy references, hyperbole to make a point (eg, "Obama's gun ban" doesn't actually exist, so referencing it angrily and repeatedly makes you sound, um...let's go with 'uninformed') or really anything that may imply you are mad as hell and have no impulse control. I'm just sayin'. There's nothing that says "guns are a bad idea" quite like an angry, reactive person holding a gun (or threatening to hold one).

I believe in the second amendment, I believe in the spirit of the second amendment too. But we have to remember that when the constitution was written, the weapons at our disposal were very different. Our culture was very different. Let me be clear here that I haven't researched the numbers and this is all just opinion, but we have do something. I mean, this is sort of ridiculous if you think about it; we react to everything that is potentially dangerous to the point of redundancy, but we can't touch an item that is actually intended to cause bodily harm without a whole bunch of folks having a total meltdown. Are we really so immature and ridiculous that we can't have a productive and rational discussion about potential solutions? I don't think ANYBODY is suggesting disarming citizens, and it's not something I would support either. But do average citizens need to have access to weapons designed to do maximum damage in a combat situation? I don't think so. In fact, I can't think of a rational argument (remember I said rational) to support such a scenario, but I can think of several reasons 'why not' (as can the families and friends of victims of the many mass slaughters that have occurred in this country in the last several years). Yes, you can kill someone with a car, or a pencil, or hell, even dental floss if you are so inclined. But you can't mow down a room full of innocent people in under a minute.

I don't have a lot of respect for people who like to come across all "bad-ass" because they have guns. It doesn't take a great deal of either 'bad' or 'ass' to own a firearm and threaten someone with it. I do respect people who can solve their problems rationally, guns or no. I respect people who think before they react, who try to see both sides of an argument and who have enough common sense to work through issues and help find solutions. I respect people who can form their own opinions and don't need a well-funded special interest group to feed their opinion to them, even if they happen to be members of the aforementioned group.

We have a lot to think about in this country right now. We have a very real problem with violence. I don't believe that guns are the cause, but they are certainly a means of facilitation. Their misuse is a symptom of a much larger problem that needs to be addressed and some emergency action needs to take place on several fronts, guns included. We can't do anything though, if we aren't even willing to have an open discussion.

Narcissism

It sounds like a dirty word, and it certainly can be. But we all have our own bit of narcissism. Some people are car-narcissists; they are very particular about what they are seen driving. They see cars as status symbols and are proud of driving luxury automobiles. I'm not a car narcissist. I see big, expensive cars as a monumental waste of money, especially if they are also gas-hogs. I get the need for a large vehicle if you have a big family or you need a truck for work (or to haul a horse-trailer!) but for the most part I tend to be unimpressed buy what people drive. I'm more about automotive practicality. My first priority is long-term reliability, my second is utility. If it's cute too, well, that's a bonus. But that's just me because I'm not a car-narcissist.

Some people (most, actually) are fashion-narcissists to one degree or another. Again, not for me. I work in my jammies and most of my wardrobe falls well within the 'comfortable' spectrum. I think it would be safe to say that there aren't many material things that I'm terribly into or exited about. I like decent stuff that works when it's supposed to. I'll admit I'm not a fan of broken stuff that is barely hanging on, but that's reasonable for anyone I suppose. My grandparents used to say "buy the best quality you can reasonably afford and take care of it". It's a good policy.

Narcissism, ironically, can be ugly. We all know the the person who spends all their time and resources on clothing, hair, nails and makeup, and all their time in the mirror. Their favorite topic is themselves, how hot they are, etc. Unfortunately, this much focus on what's outside is usually compensation for an inside that's a hollow, dusty and cobwebby husk of humanity.  I'm not saying that I don't know people who are beautiful both inside and out, just that their outer beauty is more a consequence of their inner beauty coming through. I even know a few beauty-focused people who also happen to be exceptional human beings. Their beauty isn't all they're about and they have some depth. They can be appearance-narcissists while still having balance in their lives. And that's really the trick to making your narcissism work for you, isn't it? Balance.

Narcissism can be fun in moderation, and it need not be harmful. If you're a car-narcissist and you can afford a fun auto, AWESOME:-) That's what we work for, isn't it? It's human nature to express ourselves through things (hell, it's the nature of several animal species as well), so why not? My personal narcissism revolves around dog and horse stuff. Random, I know. But I have no problem at all walking my very well dressed dog down the street while I'm wearing an old pair of sweat pants. I actually worked at a tack shop a few years ago so I could be as obsessive as I wanted to be about 'dressing' my daughter's horse. I would walk in the door every morning and inhale the new saddle smell deep into my lungs. Incoming shipments of new tack were like hits of crack for me. No, that doesn't speak to moderation, but the specificity of my unique narcissism means it's self-limiting. Thank God:-) Other people might look at my desire for uber-nice dog/horse stuff as a little nutty considering my wardrobe and my 20 year old car. I get it, but it's all about the priorities. Dog/horse stuff may not mean anything to the folks standing around shaking their heads. They aren't dog/horse narcissists.  We're all different, and that's okay. Kumbaya.

I guess the take-away message of this meandering rumination is this: Even our flaws can have a purpose if we acknowledge them and indulge them a bit. It's all about moderation:-)

Paying it Forward in 2013

I'm a huge fan of the concept of paying it forward. I've done a lot of things for a lot of people, hoping for that result. I'm not someone who does things for others with strings attached though. Strings make me very uncomfortable, and whenever someone has bent over backwards to repay a kindness it's felt...awkward. I believe in Karma and in the cyclic nature of energy and life and I don't want to negate good Karma by expecting something in return. It doesn't make me awesome or special, just human. Okay, and I DO dig the 'warm and fuzzy' that comes from being nice; I find it very reinforcing:-) It doesn't make me a bad person.

Having said that, it's been a long time since I've done anything really nice. I just haven't had the resources emotionally or financially, and sometimes that's just the way it is. And that's okay too. It's okay to say "no". In fact, it's much better to say "no" than to say "yes" with negative intent. If you say "yes" with resentment, strings or expectations, if you have to tell everybody about the favor you're doing, if you think it somehow puts you above the person you're helping or if you fantasize about ways to take it out of that person's time or hide, than you aren't doing the other person a favor. You are doing a favor for YOURSELF. There is no good Karma attached, and there is no positive ripple of energy outward and forward. You just trap all that energy into a swirl of clinging selfishness. You don't just hurt the person you are "helping", you ultimately hurt yourself too. No warm fuzzy for you. Blah.

I am very familiar with being "helped" in this manner. It is this kind of situation that I referenced in Saying Thanks when I said "some of you have done so [helped me] by making my life hell..." It has changed much in my life and the way I do things. I will do almost anything to avoid needing any kind of help with anything, and only ever ask if it's the11th hour and I'm at the outer limit of desperation. I only mention it because I'm going through a bit of it right now, but I can handle it. It's a good reminder, and it continues to teach me how to treat people who may need my help at some point. Sometimes the best way to learn the right way is to witness and experience the wrong way. Life's funny like that sometimes:-)

It doesn't negate my gratitude, or my desire to be kind. It DOES reinforce my desire to increase my resources so that 1) I'm in a better position to be self-sufficient,  and 2) I'm in a position to do nice things for other people.

I think I can do that:-) I learned a lot in 2012. I learned how to say "no" without guilt, I learned that having less money does not make me less of a person. I am not less intelligent, less important or less relevant. My opinion doesn't count less and my abilities and experience didn't disappear just because my bank account is smaller. I know all of that sounds like a great big "Duh" but believe me, you don't really get the whole 'money is power' bit until you don't have any. It took a long time, but my power is back. And I'm going to use it to increase my resources:-)

I look forward to 2013. Thirteen is one of my lucky numbers, so that alone bodes well:-) I can't send cash, but I CAN send out ripples of happy, joy, success, love, gratitude, good intent, good results, and straight-up AWESOMENESS for all of you in the year ahead, because that is my wish for you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas eve and I can't help but reflect on Christmas eves of the past. I remember going to church, listening to an uplifting sermon and hearing beautiful singing. I remember waiting in anticipation at my grandparents' window for the woody-wagon bearing my aunt, uncle and cousins to arrive. I remember eating so many sweets that I felt sick, and then eating some more. It was entirely over-stimulating and awesome. My sister and cousins and I would want desperately to sleep so Christmas morning would arrive more quickly, but we couldn't stop giggling and getting in trouble for it. It was tradition and it seemed then like it always would be.

Of course time marches on and with it some of the magic of childhood is lost. That's life. My daughter is now twenty, and so there is no more childish influence to the holiday...or is there. Sometimes I've thought that my awesome childhood left me unprepared for disappointment and sadness, but now I'm not so sure. I look around at what I have and the people in my life, at the continued loving influence of my family, my wonderful daughter...well, I'm still fortunate.

This year I'll do some traveling to my sister's in a friend's borrowed van (thank you Tommy!!!). We'll over eat, laugh until our stomachs hurt, watch movies and stay up too late. It won't be like it was when we were children, but we have each other (and a small pack of dogs). Our Mom just came to visit too, so we have that to be grateful for. I think if I give it a moment's thought I have to admit that that's pretty darned good.

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, whatever that means to you. If it means a Happy Hanukkah or Kwanza or Solstice or Holiday...great! Whatever you celebrate I hope you have a wonderful day:-)

Staying Connected

This time of year I always think about family. I realize that a lot of folks do, but it's not always a positive thing. For me it's a double-edged sword: I grew up in a close family, holidays being a blessed melee of chaos and relatives, screaming kids (us!) and adults making every effort to ensure that a great time was had by all. I remember sitting at the kids' table with my cousins, eating Cheerios for breakfast and singing 'happy birthday' to Jesus before opening a huge pile of gifts. I know how lucky I am and I'm so grateful to know such a wonderful childhood. The only part of this that's difficult is that it can highlight the relative isolation of adulthood. Now it's my responsibility to reach out and create that blessed chaos in my own life, and I'm completely clueless. As an adult, I'm realizing how much the psychological ability to connect can effect our ability to stay connected to the folks in our lives. Not exactly my forte (once again, unless you are a horse or a dog;-) and I feel it.

I suppose the way in is to connect to the warmth and joy of my happiest memories. It's true that memories can be equally effective at creating a rift and a desire to remain in a bubble, but there's some choice here. There are so many things I have no control over (a realization highlighted by the fact that I'm writing this on my daughter's computer because mine died suddenly, ahem) but I can certainly decide what I choose to remember. I can be a broken person surrounded by broken things if that's where I choose to let my thoughts linger, but that's no place to be. I find that our lives can follow our thoughts very closely, and sometimes our dreams. Far better to dream of happy things. I often dream of animals.

My favorite recurring dream is of riding a horse. It's vivid and realistic except for a liquid, sow-motion effect. It's a grey fall day and I'm galloping along with friends. I can smell the wool of my jacket, the sweat of my horse and the pungent leaves; I can hear my horse breathing heavily and the thud of footfalls in the soft earth. The wind has a bit of an edge to it and it stings my cheeks in the most invigorating way. I look down at the hogged neck of my sturdy piebald cob and am flooded with feelings of love and trust for this animal that feeds my soul with every fluid stride. The trust is mutual and we are a team, both of us entirely in the moment. When I wake I try to hang on to the moment, that memory of connection, but it slips away like all dreams do and I wake to my reality.

I know it need not be just a dream, but the future. It keeps me moving forward and seeking that connection. It gives me hope and something to strive for. But connecting to right now today is a bit more challenging. I find it interesting though, that even in dreams it's animals teaching about being in the moment and connecting. Perhaps that's the key. It IS Murphy that facilitates so much of my participation in 'the world out there' right now. Sometimes I feel badly about that, though I'm not sure why. He certainly appears to enjoy his job.

But here's the thing: "Now" is the only moment we're sure of. How do I connect and find joy right now? I won't attempt to answer that question here, but just to ponder it and do a bit of brainstorming. Just giving the idea some attention will take me a long way to improving things. I am connecting to the spirit of the season this year in a way that I haven't in a long time. I think it's a start, and a good sign. At the very least I am appreciating the thought process that's occurring and am gratefully anticipating a positive move forward as a result. Or maybe the key is to abandon thought and let something more ephemeral be in  charge for awhile. It's worth a shot, right? :-)