I thought that reading some posts by other bloggers might inspire me with something. Every once in awhile I'll poke around into the insights of strangers (folks who I don't usually read), just to broaden my perspective a bit and hopefully gain some insight. People are interesting! Most of the time it works, and today was no exception. Though today inspired me in an entirely different way. Today, the posts I ended up reading were long, dry rants around obsessive viewpoints. They read like a college dissertation. Informative about a very narrow, specific point of view? Sure. Interesting and engaging? Not so much. As someone who often hails from the overthinky tribe, it was eye-opening. These long-winded diatribes (some, complete with bullet points, ffs) were a reflection of how I think at times. I work very hard at not allowing that into my writing, because...BORING! But it was an excellent reminder to do more to shut off that largely unhelpful part of myself. Overthinking the sh** out of everything is an attempt at control that we don't really have. I know that's why I do it. But the idea of control is illusive. We can plan, we can do, and we can set our intentions, but reality is almost always stranger (and more interesting) than fiction or belief. You know what they say about the best laid plans, and all that.
It was also a reminder that perfection doesn't exist, and thank God. It's a construct of the ego (much like thinking the sh** out of everything). Even if perfection was attainable, it would be boring and predictable as sh**. Also, consider the kind of pressure involved in striving for perfection; what an exhausting waste of the finite amount of time that we have. I'd rather have 'awesome', 'fun', and 'real' any day! Flaws are interesting and unique. And believe me, I had a lot of work to do to get to that place. In terms of a preference for writing styles, I love the storytellers. I want to be drawn in, to feel like I'm there. I want to care, to feel something. Everything else is of lesser importance. So when somebody does the literary equivalent of talk at me about something, I tend to tune out and turn off. Obviously, I read for pleasure and entertainment most of the time :-) I'm not in college anymore. I can read what I like and write in my own voice. I guess that's it: When the reading is dry, the writer's voice is lost. The story isn't there, and there's no reason for me to be, either.
It would seem that (as usual) I've meandered a fair distance off-topic, but I actually haven't. This last year was a suck-fest, no matter how much I thought things over or how strongly I applied the considerable force of my will. But I learned a lot. Learning by immersion and living is the way to go, and that in itself was a learning experience. And learning never stops. I've seen what inauthentic looks like, and it isn't for me. I've watched others put on a show, and no thank you. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy to be who I am and where I am, because it's the real deal. In 2018, I have nothing to prove, and authenticity is the order of the day. I don't want to be perfect, in fact, I don't want to be anything or anyone except what and who I am. I know what I want and I know what I intend to strive for, but I'm also willing to surf the uncertainty of taking a few risks. I don't want to think the sh** out of everything. I want to be and I want to feel. I want to do things just because I want to do them. I want to throw my heart over a cliff and have faith that somebody will catch it. I want to run just to feel my heart pumping and hear my breath. I want to walk in the woods and get lost in everything happening around me. I want to take the time to count the f***ing stars. This year, I want to ride the highs and the lows as though they were a carnival ride, and I want to lose control.
Wishing my friends and family an amazing 2018 <3
