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Friday, August 2, 2013

Goodbye, "Sweet Prince(s)"

Ok, not really the Prince I mean...
I was talking to my mom the other day about relationships. I think she is secretly relieved that I am legitimately happy being single, given my history of...impulsiveness. The reason I'm so happy is because I have a theory: There are only so many types of guys out there, and I've dated most them already, often several times over. They are different ages and shapes, but share a few similar and predictable behaviors and characteristics. My mom thought my descriptions were hilarious (okay, she's my mom and she has to say that, but I dig the reinforcement just the same) and she encouraged me to write about these "Princes". I will do one better; I will say an individual "goodbye" to each of these dudes (who represent many) and in setting them free from my psyche, leave that space available for a new kinda guy. I know you guys like it best when I talk about dogs or kill people, but I though I would go a little off the rails just for fun. Here we go...

Goodbye, control-freak "Prince". While I appreciate the idea that chivalry is not dead, I feel perfectly capable of choosing my own food, clothing, occupation, etc.  In fact, not only capable, but much more capable than you. No, I definitely do NOT like a guy to take charge and have no desire whatsoever to be "taken care of". Have I mentioned I'm a grown up? I also don't respond well to you volunteering my time to your friends prior to discussing it with me...BOO! No, Kristel will NOT cut your friend's hair because you did NOT check with Kristel about it beforehand. I will admit that I am too old now to be a "trophy" to wear on your arm, but would still like to point out that I'm too good and too smart to be relegated to "ornament" status. Always have been. Feed your ego via your own accomplishments; just sayin'. While I "appreciate" your insidious nature and the way your control-freaky-ness gradually snuck up on me, you will not be missed. Fly free!

Goodbye hot but manipulative "Prince". Yes, there was a time that your hotness could buy my forgiveness for just about anything, but alas, the time is gone. I have learned that you will say or do whatever you have to to get whatever it is you want or need in the moment. You also have a knack for dating really...simple (that's the nicest way I can think of to put it) women so you can maximize your manipulative prowess and be the smartest person in the room. SURPRISE! Bet you didn't see me coming;-) Even when I learned exactly what you were, I still hung around for the fun parts. You're cute, you're fun, we click and you have a great sense of humor. HOWEVER, your tendency to cause trouble and then run and hide like a little wimp instead of being a grownup, using your words and learning to cope with confrontation (that you cause!) is such a major turnoff that it entirely negates anything good about you. Auf Wiedersehen!!

Goodbye to you too, superficial "Prince". You and I had our moments, but being blamed personally for your shortcoming gets incredibly old, as does the weird ego-thing that allows you to believe that you are the center of my universe, even when I've strongly indicated otherwise. It took a long time, but I finally realized that a woman could have a PhD, be a millionaire, have a successful career, be smart and beautiful, but the only thing you would say about her is "She's got a big ass and I don't like the color of her eyes". You have a massive blindspot that extends in two directions and you may never be able to understand that. It's true that some incarnations of this prince are attractive, but just as often they are total trolls. Oh well. No longer my problem! Enjoy the single life, and keep on dreaming of that supermodel (who has your ideal hair and eye color!) who loves to clean, is a first rate chef and wants nothing more than to take care of your every need. I just know she's out there waiting for you. Take care!

Goodbye buff "Prince". The size and shape of your man-muscles was interesting for a bit. But then I realized that you love yourself more than anyone else could ever measure up to. You need to be worshiped. I just wasn't up to the task. I learned quickly that the whole "muscle-thing" was pretty much ALL you were about. Once, you failed to see someone trying to steal my purse because you were too busy looking at your reflection (re-flex-tion...hehe) in a shop window. Oddly enough, you were pretty quick with your fists when someone insulted your car. Go figure. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a tool nonetheless I suppose. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted (when I say fun I mean "fun" in the way that it was not actually fun to sit around waiting for you while you finished your workout), but...have a nice life! Give yourself a kiss for me (or you, if you haven't already).

Goodbye coyote "Prince". I don't mean that you are an actual animal, more like you are the coyote to my roadrunner. You chase relentlessly, almost stalking but not quite. You are filled with compliments and you miraculously love all the things that I love. You pursue and pursue, you are relentless. You buy gifts. You "work it" until I finally give you the time of day. The moment I give a damn, you're like "Yeah, maybe I'll call ya". On the upside, you tend to reveal your jerk-ness rather early on so I don't really get invested in you, but you're also the type that likes to pretend that I was chasing you. Seriously? You're a tough one because interactions with other humans are just a game to you (in fact, I almost lumped you in with hot Prince, but you aren't always hot, just persistent) and seem to involve some low-self-esteem issues, or something. I want to send you a gift from ACME a la Looney tunes, perhaps something explosive or an anvil, but in true coyote fashion I suspect Karma will help me out there. Spank your inner child, grow up and have a nice life!

Okay, there at least one "Prince" who I haven't dated yet. He is genuine "Prince". He wants to be in a relationship because he is ready for that sort of thing. He doesn't need someone to make him happy, fix his life or my personal favorite: to "complete" him *shudder*. He is a whole person who likes and respects himself, and by extension, others. He has no hidden agenda. He just wants a best friend (that he is attracted to, obviously;-) to share his life with for no other reason than because life is better that way. My personal version of this fella is also bookish, kinda nerdy with a nice face and a sense of humor. I know I've seen this fella around, but he's not known to exhibit attention-seeking behavior due to his lack of need to have his ego stroked, so he is tough to recognize. But he does exist!

Phew! That was kinda fun :-)

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